Immortal Kombat!

Tarsem Singh has always been a visionary director whose now finally broken into the mainstream directing Julia Roberts as the Wicked Witch, but I remember his first film with Jennifer Lopez and Vince Vaughn called The Cell...

This is his latest effort - it looks like the bonkers cousin of 300 partly because it is "FROM THE PRODUCERS OF 300!"

Looks decent enough and love the magic bow and arrow which magically makes arrows appear...or as darts legend, Bobby George would say...ARRAS!

What if those Orange cinema adverts did...Predator

I went to the cinema the other day to watch, I think it might have been, Transformers 3 when those Orange cinema adverts started playing. Usually, these are pretty funny with 'The A Team' one being absolute genius! "I love it when a price plan comes together!"

But the new Orange advert with the French film just doesn't cut it. Neither did the 'Rio' one...

It got me thinking...what if they chose another film for the next one...doesn't have to be current, what about one of my favourite films of all time - Predator! Its perfect...here are a few choice one-liners with the Orange Cinema twist...

"Ain't got time to text!"

"If it tweets, we can geo-track it!"

"What's da matter? CIA got you pushing too many MMS messages? Had enough?"

"Make it easy on yourself, Dutch. A picture message only costs you 20p"

"You lose it here, you're in a world of hurt...that's my new facebook status update!"

"Get to da choppa...Facebook Check-In...Wicked! King Of Da Jungle!"

Yep, those are all I can think of...Coming soon...Commando!

Oh and Transformers 3? One Word Review: Pants!

To paraphrase the truly original and scariest "The Thing" tagline...

Mary Elizabeth Winstead is the warmest place to hide!

Tom Hanks & Dan Ackroyd...Rapping!

When I was younger, Dragnet was my favourite film...but better still is the song that ends the film! Tom Hanks, two-time Oscar winner rapping with his bud Dan Ackroyd! If only film stars did the same these days...

Russell Crowe singing his own ascent into heaven at the end of Gladiator

Leo Di Caprio and Kate Winslet power-ballading their way through Titanic

Or what about Christian Bale doing a heavy metal number during the Terminator Salvation credits!!

Yeah, lets see more of this...

GET HAMMERED!

Stop! Hammer time! Reckon plenty of "hammer" type puns have been used in the marketing of Thor. Watched it this afternoon and have to say, when I heard about Thor, my instant reaction was "I'll never watch that in a million years!"

But after reading a few reviews, it intrigued me with stories of father/son relationships, references to Shakespeare and Anthony Hopkins playing a God so I thought "Why not?"

Plus Natalie Portman is in it!

Even though it runs out of steam by the end, its actually quite a funny film when Thor is on Earth - the scene in the diner is brilliant when he wants another cup of coffee. Plus it sets up the whole Avengers thing with references to The Hulk, IronMan and a cameo by Hawkeye and a post-credit scene with Sammy Jay. With all these teasers basically each film setting up the ultimate Avengers film, Jess Wheldon certainly has a massive task not letting anyone down!!

Anyway, here's my quick review of Thor:

Natalie Portman's in it! But sadly, there's no getting it on with a hot girl like Black Swan.

Oh and Anthony Hopkins hams it up, Thor throws a hammer about a few times, Kenneth does his best LOTR impression with sweeping shots and massive battles and the Avengers film will be huuuuuuuge!

That is all...

The Hangover 2 - Official Trailer (HD)

Replaces a baby with a monkey, stew's missing tooth for a tattoo and vegas for bangkok but still looks funny as fcuk!

Cool Swannings

I saw Black Swan the other day. I watched it in the O2 Arena, which is an eerie place, especially if there's a fun fair going on...with no-one on the rides. The bumper cars looked sad, the "daredevil" ride kept whizzing up and down, right to left with not one single person on it, yet the cranky speaker system would elicit a shriek and a howl from its soundbite archive.

It was a Friday night and I was sitting outside Las Iguanas nursing a pint and waiting for my cousin and her mate to show up. Usually by this time on a Friday night, I'd be necking my 8th pint and running down Leicester Square with my trousers around my ankles but this was going to be a civilised Friday night as I was really looking forward to watching Black Swan. This is not my usual type of film...I'm more into action, explosions, car chases and gratuitous shots of girls in bikinis (step forward every Michael Bay film), but beneath this facade of Bayhem I still love those slightly leftfield films. For every "Bad Boys 2" there's a "La Haine". For every "Die Hard" there's an "Audition". There's also directors and their films that I'm drawn too - Sergio Leone and his Dollars Trilogy, David Fincher with his films about the deconstruction of men (Se7en, The Game and Fight Club) and of course Darren Aronofsky.

I still remember the first time I watched Requiem For A Dream (it was in Leicester at The Phoenix Cinema) and I was hooked. Hooked from the very first split-screen moment - I had never seen editing, camerawork and performances so perfectly balanced and constructed as in Requiem. Since then loads of other film have used splitscreens as creatively as possible but Requiem is the yardstick. It wasn't even that, the film is such a breathless piece of work from start to finish it grips like a vice and never lets go. Watching Requiem made me go back to his first film, Pi, which is a good film but has that rough around the edges, student look which is part of its demented charm. I never really got into The Fountain. I remember being excited about Brad Pitt working with Aronofsky, but then Brad dropped out and the film had its budgets cut - who knows what THAT film would have been like. The Wrestler is heart-breaking...Mickey Rouke was robbed! One of the best performances ever of a guy trying to re-capture his past glory. You can almost smell the sweat, blood and tears of the lockrooms...which leads us to Black Swan. Aronofsky has always had a knack of getting performances out of actors who you'd think didn't have it in them. Watch Marlon Wayans performance in Requiem...thats right Marlon "Scary Movie cuz!" Wayans actually acting is earth-shattering. Ellen Burstyn's got Oscar nominated, Mickey got oscar nominated, Natalie Portman got oscar nominated - ya starting to see a pattern? You want Golden Globes and trophies to fill that mantelpiece, get your agent on the blower to Darren Aronofsky and start preparing that winning speech.

So as you can tell, I was pretty excited about Black Swan. Not because it was suppose to be grand operatic melodramatic, psychosomatic horror of the highest order, it apparently had a scene where Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis got it on!

So here's my review of Black Swan:

Natalie and Mila get it on! Its awesome!

And here's a slightly extended review of Black Swan:

A completely psycho, bonkers film of a woman on the edge pushed to the very limit. Great camerawork. Natalie should win an Oscar.